Press Releases: The Bad, The Worse, and The Downright Awful

Here at The Great Southern Brainfart, I get a lot of press releases from bands.  For the most part, I get some great press releases that actually intrigue me but then there are the ones that look like they were written by an 11^th grade BFF of a band.  It really blows me away that some of these bands actually allow such things to be published to the press about their band.  I decided to go through a few of these and pick out the ones that I thought stood out the most as some of the most ridiculous press releases I have read.  In all fairness, I have linked the bands because hey, you know never know.  You may end up finding your new favorite band this way.  It’s unlikely but again, it’s very possible.  So here we go.

Scott Mosher | http://www.scottmosher.com
Oceans of Night | http://www.oceansofnight.com

Aloha.

Scott Mosher, musical mastermind of the Oceans of Night band here, and I’m interested in submitting our music for review and editorial coverage.

I can provide a physical press kit (and CD) or a digital press kit (60 megs) to an email address.

I’m also not adverse to subjecting us to interviews or editorial coverage. I am adverse to doing manual labor or relearning trigonometry.

Many thanks in advance!
Scott Moshter

So first off, is this guy Hawaiian?  Second, I’m really glad to see that Scott is so modest while referring to HIMSELF as a “musical mastermind.”  Wouldn’t you want someone else to pin that title on you as opposed to doing so yourself?  That would be like me addressing myself as world renown and amazing blogger The Great Southern Brainfart.  If you couldn’t hear my eyes rolling from where you’re sitting right now it’s a damn miracle.  Oh yeah, and he may need to learn to spell his last name properly as well.

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MURDER CONSTRUCT: http://www.murderconstruct.com

MURDER CONSTRUCT discharge their ear shattering debut full-length, Results, with the force of an early morning napalm strike.  Boasting an all-star line up of notorious death metal and grindcore veterans including Travis Ryan (CATTLE DECAPITATION), Danny Walker (EXHUMED, INTRONAUT) and Leon Del Muerte (EXHUMED, IMPALED), MURDER CONSTRUCT pummel and pound their way through eleven tracks of bloodthirsty rage.  The quintet set forth a lethal dose of death/grind, combining razor sharp guitars, machine gun blasts and homicidal growls with their own twisted brand of experimentation. Results is a violent, uncompromising display of top-notch musicianship and cutthroat songwriting that is sure to leave the listener outlined in chalk.

Wow.  So I couldn’t’ even edit this one down because there was so much awesome terribleness that I had to leave it all intact.  So Murder Construct is going to “discharge” with the force of an early morning napalm strike?  So I just want to know what makes an early morning napalm strike any more intense than say a mid-morning brunch napalm strike or an early afternoon napalm strike?  I’m also pretty pumped to see that this is an “all-star” line-up because, oh wait, I have no idea who ANY of those bands are.  Don’t you need to be a “star” to be considered part of an “all-star” band?  Homicidal growls huh?  So this singer’s voice will kill me and leave me “outlined in chalk?”  Maybe I’ll just die from killing myself by having to listen to this crap.
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Steve Harris (Iron Maiden): http://www.steveharrisbritishlion.com/

From the growling riffage of opening salvo This Is My God to the heavy forlorn balladry of follow-up Lost Worlds which showcases Richard Taylor’s soaring vocals, it’s clear that ‘British Lion’ is an altogether different beast from Maiden.

Karma Killer, with its dirge-like muscularity, and Us Against The World, with its massive chorus, demonstrates just how far ‘British Lion’ has flexed Steve Harris’ considerable musical muscle. Dovetailed with guitarist David Hawkins’ positively gargantuan lyrical guitar melodies, it’s a mere hors d’oeuvre ahead of the epic, riffing-feast of The Chosen Ones, with its swaggering bravado.

A World Without Heaven, at a breathtaking seven minutes and infused with progressive elements without ever teetering into self-indulgence illustrates perfectly these songsmiths’ colossal abilities to create a mood and stay there. Supercharged by Steve Harris’ inimitable style, there’s an un-cynical vibe here that’s as refreshing as it is out of place in today’s all-too-categorised music industry.

With Iron Maiden, Steve Harris has become one of the most recognised and successful ambassadors for British music on the world stage. Having released 15 studio albums, sold over 85 million records worldwide and played more than two thousand gigs in 58 countries in the band’s thirty-five year career, his appeal is truly global.

And now with ‘British Lion’, Steve steps out from Iron Maiden’s illustrious shadow to present a different side of his musical visions.

“Growling riffage”, “Dirge-like muscularity”, “gargantuan lyrical guitar melodies”, “ambassador of British music.”  Wow.  Just wow.  I mean, we know that Steve Harris kicks ass but have you ever read a more pompous and cliché filled press release ever?  C’mon Steve Harry.  Give us a break.  It’s things like this that make me wish I could go up to ol’ ‘arry and just slap him upside his noggin’ and say, “Did you actually let someone send this crap out?”  I’m sure it’s going to be a great album but this is a great example of why even some great bands and albums get totally overlooked by the press.  If you’re trying to sell me on this, it’s not working.

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Deadly Remains: http://www.myspace.com/deadlyremains

One of the best new American death metal bands, California’s Deadly Remains truly crushes all in its path. The band’s debut album, “Severing Humanity,” is an impressive display of pure, brute force. Taking death metal to the gates of hell in an absolute fury of rage, angst and absolute torment. Fans of Hour of Penance, Abominable Putridity, Condemned or Flesh Consumed, will be instant Deadly Remains minions.

A MYSPACE PAGE?  LULZ!  I hate to disappoint Deadly Remains by telling them that they don’t crush all in its path.  Um, hello!  Right here.  I’m still standing.  If anything, I’ve got a slight headache after listening to your band but again, I’m still standing here uncrushed.  “Taking death metal to the gates of hell in an absolute fury of rage, angst and absolute torment.”  One can only hope that Deadly Remains will leave it there forever.

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Offending: http://www.offending.fr/

“Age of Perversion”, the 2nd album by France’s Offending, is one cruel
Death Metal beast. Ripping solos and pummeling blasts reign down like a hammer on the listener through 9 tracks of pure-sombre death. This is dark brutality in concentrated form that will appeal to fans of true Death Metal (Cannibal Corpse, Suffocation, Vile, Hate Eternal, etc).

This is one cruel Death Metal Beast?  9 tracks of pure somber death?  Sounds like someone’s publicist was working way too late at night and the 5 Hour Energy shots had long ago passed through his/her system.

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Borgne: http://www.myspace.com/borgne

Quebec’s Sepulchral Productions has set June 12^th has the date on which Royaume des Ombres from Swiss atmospheric/industrial black metallers BORGNE will be made available for mass consumption.  BORGNE will pummel listeners with nearly 60 minutes of brutal, creepy and suffocating songs, while adding an epic twist.

A MYSPACE PAGE!  So these guys new album will be made available for mass consumption.  Has the FDA been made aware of this because I’m pretty sure eating plastic could result in some form of horrible death while shitting shards of plastic?  Oh well, it probably doesn’t matter since I’ll obviously be suffocated by their songs with an epic twist.  Is that epic twist that I’ll die?  Not much of a twist there if you ask me.

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Suture: http://www.myspace.com/suture

Baton Rouge-based lords of brutal death metal, SUTURE, are back with a vengeance. After years of dormancy, the band that once terrorized the swamplands of the Southern United States have re-emerged with one goal in mind – GLOBAL DOMINATION. A recently re-recorded and remixed version of their 2008 release,Skeletal Vortex is now available via Soulflesh Collector Records. It is in fact the perfect mix of technicality, groove, and melody wrapped in a package of merciless punishment. Chad Kelly’s (Excommunicated, ex-Catholicon) re-mixing/re-recording completes the package with skill and the utmost in sonic intensity.

ANOTHER MYSPACE PAGE!  Oh my.  Another band who has one goal in mind: GLOBAL DOMINATION (in all caps of course).  I hope these guys aren’t too pissed when they find out about the other 100,000 bands that are out for GLOBAL DOMINATION.  Or maybe the only band here that will achieve that is MURDER CONSTRUCT since they’ll take everyone out with an early morning napalm strike.  I’m also a little concerned that they terrorized the swamplands and still live to tell the tale about it.  I find this highly unlikely because I’ve seen Swamp People on the history channel and that old dude who’s the “King of the Swamp” would’ve trapped, skinned, and ate these fools before they knew what hit them.  I’m guessing it’s just another bunch of garage dwellers from New Orleans hoping that Phil Anselmo will acknowledge their presence.

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Drone: http://www.droneband.de

Modern high quality thrash metal, DRONE are four guys who have taken grasp of metal, delivering it as precise as a bullet from a gun on and off of the stage! Their success is no hidden lie to the scene; DRONE bring forth a highly important aspect to thrash metal across Europe, that’s a fact.

Ya know, I was totally on the fence about listening to these guys until I read that they are not just thrash metal but HIGH QUALITY thrash metal.  And the fact that they deliver it as precise as a bullet from a gun on and off the stage just sealed the deal.  Actually, I’m lying.  I have no fucking clue what that means.  Even in trying to analyze that phrase I have no clue what they’re talking about.  Are they talking that they’re so precise in their playing that it’s like a bullet leaving a gun on and off the stage?  Anyways, I also love how it’s A FACT that Dron bring forth a highly important aspect to thrash metal across Europe?  First off, what aspect is it that they bring?  I’d kinda like to know and I’m also glad to hear that they’re not bringing to AMERICA.  Well, it’s a fact that they’re doing it in Europe but not here.  I’m so confused but one thing is for sure after hearing them, they’re bringing the suck… and THAT’S a fact.

About The Author

Don

I have been running this blog since 2009. AKA as the Great Southern Brainfart, Southeast of Heaven is my baby now and forever. I’ve had my ups and downs with bands over the years but they are all great experiences and memories. My Swedish friend Charlie said once, “Don is known for being one of the meanest bastards in American rock journalism.” It’s nice to be loved.

I also once took a shit in Anthrax’s dressing room toilet and didn’t flush.

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