Crowned by Fire – Space Music for Cave People
Release Date: July 1, 2014
Chrome Mountain Records
So I finally decided to sit down and give Space Music for Cave People by Crowned By Fire a listen. Wow. What can I say? I was totally blown away upon hearing this album and I couldn’t even begin to believe just how groundbreaking this collection of songs is. The songs were so well written and I feel like I’m hearing my new favorite metal band. Well, I could say that but it’s damn near impossible to say that. Why is it impossible? Because Crowned by Fire is by far one of the most slightly below average, sub par bands I have heard to date.
Between playing their rehashed Pantera riffs to a Black Sabbath groove with lyrics such as “Crowned by Fire, those who desire, let the blood flow as the flames go hire” I found myself rolling my eyes and scratching my head in disbelief that grown men can write songs this cheesy. In all honesty, this music is probably the most un-insulting metal one can listen to. It’s completely friendly and so generic that I almost expect the album cover to be a white album cover with “Crowned By Fire” in black block lettering over it. The only thing that stands out about this album is the fact that every song has something about “blood flowing” and “fire.” The band even continued this trend by covering the Blue Oyster Cult classic “Burnin’ For You.” Trust me when I say that this is not a good thing at all. Up to this point, I didn’t like them but after hearing them rape this classic, I couldn’t fucking stand them.
Crowned By Fire isn’t really a horrible band but they’re just not a good band. They are just another of a plethora of 3rd rate metal bands that sound like they’ll end up being the first band on the smallest stage of the Mayhem Festival. This is the kind of music you would hear in a bar and never bat an eye or even care who it is that’s playing. The problem with bands like Crowned By Fire is that they are totally flooding the market with their Hot Topic Bro Metal making it hard for truly unique bands to make their music heard. It’s nothing more than homogenized crapolla that is being driven down the throats of the general public and passed off as “metal.” Why do we need Crowned by Fire? We already had Pantera and we already unfortunately have a Five Finger Death Punch. If you’re looking for something that has emotion, feel, and something unique to offer, pass this one like a homeless guy on the street begging you for half your sandwich. If you like your metal played out, friendly, and completely unoriginal, Crowned by Fire is your band.
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