The KISS album “Music From: The Elder” has long been considered one of the biggest craptastic creations in not just Kisstory but in rock and roll in general. I honestly never really listened to “The Elder” in it’s entirety so after many years of buying into the hatred of this album, I decided to be fair and give it a listen. I knew that going into it that I already dug the songs “The Oath” and “A World Without Heroes” and thought that “I” was moderately cool but other than that, I hadn’t a clue. Just so you don’t have to do it for yourselves, I’ve taken it upon myself to do the deed and report back to you, my fellow Fartheads. Sit back and enjoy my song by song recount of my “Must From: The Elder” listening experience.
Fanfare
Here we go. Uh oh, who let the Casio keyboard in the studio? This little “introduction” had me definitely made me “LOL.” Oh my fuck what have I gotten myself into? Oh well, luckily it’s only a minute so it’s already done.
Just A Boy
Ok, so far I am pleasantly surprised. This is a pretty heavy song and it definitely has this kind of celtic folk metal vibe to it. Unfortunately, Paul’s insanely annoying falsetto just kills it but this is actually really cool song. Great acoustic and electric guitar playing on this one. It almost sounds like it could’ve been done by a much heavier band with a real metal singer. Again, with the exception of Paul’s falsetto, this is a really good song.
Odyssey
Piano? Yup a piano intro and some really terrible keyboards in the background that are supposed to sound like strings. Wow, this is bad.
From a far off galaxy, I hear you calling me
we are on an odyssey
Through the realms of time and space
In that enchanted place
You and I come face to face
Wow, just WOW. And what’s up with Paul trying to sound like a barritone opera singer with a southern accent? This was a real headshaker and eye roller. It almost sounds like they were attempting some sort of Alice Cooper (think Welcome To My Nightmare) kind of production here but they failed miserably. Look out for this LOL moment:
On a mountain high somewhere
Where only heroes dare
Stand the stallion and the mare
We have been and we shall be each other’s destiny
One another’s odyssey
Wow…I’m speechless.
Only You
Enter the Demon. The guitar and bass intro start out promising but then here comes Gene attempting to sing in key. It is painfully obvious that autotune hadn’t been invented at this point. The riff for this one just keeps repeating itself over and over and the melody to this is horrid. Uh oh, funky rock break down with Demon effect vocals. It sounds like a disco song that just got stepped on by Gene’s big ass dragon boot. It’s really kinda funny to hear this song because the break down at about 2 minute mark sounds like KISS trying to be Rush with Paul Stanley singing. At this point, the music actually got kinda cool but the song itself is unsalvageable. I think what’s going on at this point in the story is Gene and Paul are swapping some sort of dialog. Matter of fact, at this point I’m so lost that I have no idea what this fucking story is supposed to be about. Whoa, they’re doing a “War Machine” jam here? Kiss ripping themselves off? Now they’re bringin’ it down once again as I await a stonehenge to be lowered from the ceiling. Holy shit this is too much. What the fuck did I get myself into?
Under The Rose
Wow. “Only You” actually segued right into this song. It was a good minute and a half before I realized it as I was like, “Holy shit, will this song ever end?” Much like “Just A Boy,” this is actually a pretty cool song. Musically it’s got some cool shit going on here. Some great acoustic mixed with electric playing and has that celtic folk thing going on. It’s kind of dark sounding and actually has a pretty decent vocal performance by Gene. The vocals on the chorus are just hilarious as it sounds like a group of guys all singing in faux baritone to try and sound ominous. It’s kinda like if a girl tried to force her voice to sound like a big scary man. LULZ! Anyways, this song was actually listenable and a pretty cool tune. Also much like with “Just A Boy,” I could hear this one done by a pretty heavy band with a great metal singer. Maybe a band like Symphony X or even Avantasia or someone like that.
Dark Light
And it’s Ace Frehley for the win y’all! I fucking dig this one mainly because Ace sounds so blasted out of his fucking gourd. The riff for this song is ridiculously ridiculous and the vocals, well, it’s Ace. It’s the one song that I’ve heard so far that actually sounds like a KISS song. This song could’ve been on Ace’s solo album. Once again, I’m totally lost on the concept of this album and lyrically this song sounds like it was writen by Ace. Gibberish lyrics that sound like they were writen by a 5th grader but the music totally kicks ass. I was totally shocked at first but in the end not terribly surprised that Lou Reed had a writing credit on this tune. I ended up really digging this tune.
A World Without Heroes
Ok, so fucking hate me for this but I have always loved this song. The music is so dated but it’s so mellow and again, I love it! Gene’s vocals on this song are killer and showed that the dude actually had a pretty decent voice. Call me a sucker but I think the lyrics while so cheesy are pretty strong and meaningful. “A world without heroes is nothing to be. It’s no place for me…” Who can argue with that? Without a doubt this is a great song and will always be one of my favorites.
The Oath
This song really kicks ass. What an awesome riff and vocal delivery from the Starchild. At this point in the game, I’ve given up trying to make sense of the concept but this song is killer. Some great drum work from Eric Carr on this one, great guitar playing and this may be one of KISS’s heaviest songs at this point but once again, Paul’s falstetto comes in to neuter the song but only for a small moment. Lyrically it’s pretty craptastic as most of these songs are but I could totally hear this one being played on it’s own. I’d love to see KISS break this one out on a tour just to freak everyone the fuck out.
Mr. Blackwell
HAHAHA! What in the living fuck is this? It’s like God of Blunder. I can’t even put to words how terrible this song is. It’s like if “Almost Human” and “God of Thunder” were having sex and the condom broke but half of the goo ended up on the mattress. Well, this is what they would’ve got if they had scraped the goo off the mattress after a day or so.
You’re not well, Mr. Blackwell
And we can tell
You’re not well, Mr. Blackwell
Why don’t you go to hell
Gag me with a fucking axe shaped bass guitar! Please get me outta here…
Escape From The Island
Whoa! Kiss punk? The airraid sirens blast behind this punk rock sounding instrumental. They should’ve just called this song, “Hey fellas, we need about 5 minutes worth of music to finish this craptastic crapperpiece so just jam and we’ll blare an air raid siren in the background.” What a useless piece of garbage.
I
The only other single released from “The Elder” and this song is actually pretty cool. I don’t think it’s nearly as cool as “Dark Light” but Paul and Gene fucking rock out on this song. It’s definitely a KISS anthem but this song would never stand on it’s own along side any other KISS anthems. It’s really cheesy lyrically (surprise) and more so than just about any other KISS song. With that being said, I actually don’t mind this song so much. I don’t love it and I wouldn’t request it but if it came on the iTunes while on shuffle I wouldn’t change it. The “gang vocals” on the chorus are pretty fucking annoying but all in all, it’s an ok song.
Finale
HAHAHA. Oh brother. The album closes with that dreaded Casio keyboard and some brilliant dialog from The Demon as he speaks to who I’m guessing is “The Elder” or whatever. I really LOL’d on this one and that was that. Wow.
So that was 42:46 that I will never be able to reclaim but at least now I can rightfully say that I gave “Music From The Elder” a chance and trust me, it totally lives up to the hate. This is an album I hope to never have to listen to again as long as I live. I did manage to get a couple of cool surprises out of it but nothing that would ever make up for the amount of suckage that was heard here. Ya know, I have to give KISS credit though. They took a creative chance at a swan dive that turned into a belly flop into the sea of rock and roll. They never appolized or made excuses for this album. Even Paul and Gene can admit that it was a band judgement call and at the end of the day, the fans forgot and forgave and allowed the band to more forward. Luckily, the band would put out “Creatures of the NIght” and once again remind us that KISS could fucking rock. Now I wonder if I’m brave enough to do this for the “Asylum” album… nah.
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